Why I'm still single

Okay, I admit, hope if marriage is lost on me. People have stopped asking me if I'm going to get married; they've just stopped talking about marriage altogether in front of me. So the cat's out of the bag and you can all stop whispering about me and how my weight loss is too little too late. I've recently been able to quantify the reason that I'm still single. It's called the Mormon Scale of Attractiveness, and it has more merit than most give it credit for. The only flaw in the otherwise genius scale is that it doesn't take into consideration whether you are a returned missionary or have an advanced degree. I believe both of those will dock you a full point if you're female. So...in short...I'm screwed. Dock me another point for sarcasm, I just dare you.

So I now have to make a command decision: To stay or not to stay. Not to stay means leaving loved ones, and that's hard for me, believe it or not. To stay means probably cooking for one the rest of my life. I'm not wholly unhappy with the latter option, but I do get lonely and feel unwanted from time to time when no one pops the question. I usually shut that voice up with cookie dough ice cream, but my recent banding has me reeling from such indulgences so I just have to put up with it.

So, if you're male, don't have an over-inflated ego and you like chubby, sarcastic women, then give me a call.