Training on 2/24

Okay, I haven't OFFICIALLY started my training for the Midway Tri, but I've still been workin like a mofo. I ate terribly yesterday. Probably downed a good 2,800 calories. I burned only 2,400, so I have to make it up today. Damn. On the plus side of things, I've burned already 2,200 calories as of 1:30 PM. Here's why:

Today's training: Bricks
Bike: 17.5 k
Run: 5k
Total train time: 1.5 h which SUCKS ROCKS!

But it's not bad considering it's only been 6 weeks since the dreaded lower body lift. I averaged a 12 minute mile for the 40 minutes that I ran and averaged 24.6k/h on the bike, but I did hit several lights along the way. When it warms up I'll start doing the longer distances without the lights. Ben, a guy I used to date, apparently has a nice road bike now and is doing the route that I want to start taking daily. I wish he'd friggin answer my text message. I'm NOT really interested in dating him any more, I just want someone who does that route and is willing to work it hard to go with. And I know the boy has unlimited time until August to do it. I also know he works it hard. He's in tip-top shape. But I sorta didn't know HOW to date when I dated him, and did all the wrong stupid things. I'm sure he thinks I'm quasi-unstable because of my dating un-know-how. PLUS, I was like 50 pounds heavier when I dated him. I probably wouldn't call me back, either!

I'm looking forward to the break day tomorrow. My joints are paying a price from the 5k every day. However, I have been refraining from running on swim days! I really, really hated swimming when I started a week ago. I couldn't get the breathing down, the technique sucked... but then I joined the swim club on Tuesday. They meet Tuesdays & Thursdays. I cannot tell you how much I've improved in just those two sessions. The coach stops me at every lap and gives me suggestions/drills. The breathing has improved 500%, literally! I can go 5 strokes without breathing, albeit slow. My technique has also greatly improved. I'm noticing that I can go for several more laps in the same time frame. So this is encouraging. I might actually learn to like swimming!

Okay, back to phys ed: I hired a personal trainer at my gym. It's this HOT guy that trained me when I first bought my BodyBugg. He's married, though :( But we had a long talk the other day when I came in. We're pretty tight now, apparently. He gave me some encouraging advice about there being "other fish in the sea." I hate that statement. I said, "not when you're 28 and you live in Utah." To which he responded enthusiastically, "I'M 28!" To which I, equally enthusiastically responded, "Yeah, but you're not in the sea!" He then sorta looked down, as if to say "oh... yeah." LOL. He seems to think there's plenty of good 28-year-old men out there because HE is 28. But he forgets that he was 'caught' earlier than that. I just have to trust that the Lord will provide a way. It will take a freakin miracle at this point, but He has the power to do anything, if I will just have faith and PATIENCE.

Breakthrough

Hold your applause, ladies and gentlemen, but I have decided to ixnay on the Edmonton Triathlon-ay and I'm choosing to do the Midway Tri instead. Why? Let me give you ONE clear reason: Kori. Yeah, he's there. I would contact him, I know I would. And I'd have my tummy tuck, my 40 pounds less (of which I've already erradicated 25 since I last saw him), my longer hair, which he loved, my new straighter, whiter teeth... and I, for some reason, have matured incredibly, emotionally and spiritually, since him. Obviously not matured enough to think I wouldn't contact him, though. Strange. I guess I still have some growing up to do after all, but I truly think I was on my way to spiritual death when I met him. Yes, I had a testimony, but I wasn't acting upon it. I wasn't listening to the Spirit, otherwise it probably would have told me to stay the heck away. So though he loved me FOR my spirituality, it was obviously weak and just became weaker. I am still weak, I think, but at least I can admit it now, and seek God's divine guidance. But if I did contact him one of three things would happen: 1) Kori would want me back, albeit temporarily and for a short fling while I'm there, and perhaps try to drag it on some more when I got home. I'd fall for him again and we'd start this cycle over again, 2) he will have completely gotten over me and/or be dating someone else, where I would be somewhat relieved and yet heartbroken ALL OVER again, or 3) he will have changed, spiritually, and, if it would work out for the better, it's still a freakin long-distance relationship and one that I still don't know if I could trust, and it would exacerbate all the self-doubt baggage I already have from the relationship. I suppose I have left out the possiblity of ME not wanting HIM when I see him.

But I digress. The Midway tri is beautiful! And it's local. I'm starting to wonder, however, if I should be training for a half-ironman instead of the olympic. I already train at what it says your peak training should be for the Olympic... and I haven't even started my training schedule yet. I really do think I could do a half ironman. But I don't want to overdo it for my first tri.

I'll digress again with another topic: We went to Gateway to take Sara & Cameron's engagement photos on Saturday (before my date with Felix). I love it when we get together with our cousins Brandy and Andrea. They are so fun. Here's our goodtime pic:


(Left to right: Andrea, me, Brandy, Sara)

Oh yeah, and here's the Tony update. I texted him on Saturday to find out what kind of workaround he used for his Nike iPod thingy (since I don't have Nike sneakers). He texted back a few times, I asked him how he's been and whether I scared him off, he said no, I didn't scare him off, he's just be incredibly busy. The boy is always busy anyway. So that's it, pretty much. I'll still wait for him to make the next move. If he's truly interested he'll text or call me back after he's a little less busy. In the meantime I'll train for my triathlon and stop worrying about stupid boys.

Godly Sorrow

I went to institute last Thursday and they talked about what it means to have Godly sorrow. I have really thought about this since. Has my sorrow been for the pain or for the sin? One girl brought up a talk by Anthony Perkins in the Fall General Conference, where he talked about how Godly sorrow brings about hope, whereas worldly sorrow brings about hopelessness. I wonder if I've truly had Godly sorrow then. My feelings have been, for the most part, of hopelessness, with occasional bouts of hope.

So I guess the only question now is how do you GET Godly sorrow? I know it seems a funny question. Jesus said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments." I DO love my Savior, and I want to follow Him, but sometimes I find myself actually missing what it was that I'm paying for so dearly right now. It's pretty messed up. If I actually had Godly sorrow, I can't imagine ever wanting it back, especially from a man that used me so terribly. And yet I do on occassion. I'm not convinced that I'm totally devoid of Godly sorrow. I've turned to God for change and He has answered my prayers every time. Maybe I should pray for it?

Look who decided to text back

Tony. Yep. He texted "Happy Valentines" this morning. Never thought I'd hear from him again. With my luck it was probably just a mass text sent to everyone in his phonebook.

So I am actually looking for advice on this now. Should I text him back today or should I wait a couple days?

Temporary Relapse

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TODAY??? I feel like an excommunicated woman, confused from every angle. I started the day off well, feeling a little hope and a little happiness. Most of the day this continued. I left for my tummy-tuck post-op appointment (I walked there) and got a little sadder as I walked, then began to think about Kori, then began to wonder if I'd ever love another man again, and before you know it, I was right back at where I was 2 weeks ago. Crap.

I had my family and Eric over tonight to help me make Valentine's day cookies. Eric was so cute with cutting out the cookies and frosting them and decorating them. He just couldn't wait to tell his mom about it. Eric is 28, but he's mentally handicapped, and ALWAYS happy. He's a joy to be around, truly. So it was lots of fun making cookies with him and my family. After I dropped Eric back off at his house I went home and then Loch (a guy I met several weeks ago) called. We talked for about 3 1/2 hours. Of course, he's got sex on the brain and he's really going in that direction on the phone. He doesn't know that's my weakness. So I sort of gave in and sort of restrained. He kept trying to talk dirty and I'd be like "it's okay, you don't have to go into detail." But I wasn't as good as I should have been. I feel guilty again. I feel like I haven't made any freakin progress now. I thought I was strong now, just like I thought I was strong when I went to go visit Kori, but I'm not. I'm so weak. It really makes me think I shouldn't date for a little while. But I swear, the more I say that the more the men come out of the woodwork. And it just depresses me, because none of them match up to Kori or I AM interested in them and they lose interest in me (like Tony).

I sound like such a prude complaining about these things. I should be grateful for these dates. Six months ago I would've been grateful for ANY date. Now I'm complaining about the date I am going on this Thursday with Dee from the Bike Shoppe, and the date I'm going on with Felix, the brother-in-law, this Saturday, and the date I'm going on next Tuesday with Loch, the engineer man-boy. Actually, I'm fairly excited about my date with Loch, but still a little apprehensive based on our conversation tonight. I have a feeling he's just going to try to make out with me. And I'm excited about the date with Scottie, the med student, but he's a hard one to commit for a date because of his loco schedule. So in all, I think I have a lot to be grateful for. But a lot I obviously have to work on. I wonder how to get past this weakness. I pray and pray, but maybe it just comes down to saying 'no' and ending the conversation. I should have done that an hour ago.

My dad

Yesterday was kind of a big day for me. I got to take the Sacrament again finally. It was a good feeling and I cried the entire time. But see, after that I don't know what was up with me. I just felt SO depressed and hopeless that I went and took a 3-hour nap after church. Naps aren't like me. And then I went to my parents' house for dinner. After talking for awhile with them I finally came out with it, "Dad, I think I need a blessing." He asked me what for and I said, "I just have been feeling very hopeless and sad all the time." My mom thought I wanted it because I was crying about Tony. No, I'm not going to cry over Tony of all people. This is still the stupid Kori issue.

So my dad puts on his suit & tie and takes me into a room to give me the blessing. See, I've been avoiding asking my dad for any blessings because he just didn't know what happened up in Canada and I didn't want to tell him. So when he shut the door I just started to bawl and said, "Dad, there's something you should know first, but you can't judge me, okay?" And then I proceeded to tell him what happened. Yep. I still can't believe I told him. But his response wasn't expected. He just hugged me and said, "Everyone makes mistakes, hun. I'm the last person in the world who would judge you for that. I love you. And I think the Lord has forgiven you, you just haven't forgiven yourself. Maybe you'd be able to let him go if you could forgive yourself." I just stood there and bawled like a baby for 10 minutes. I couldn't stop. It just hurt so much - the pain of being so used by a man, of feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone that I would like, of wondering whether the true happiness of having my own family will ever happen for me, of still loving someone who doesn't love me back... all of it. I cried over all the damn issues I have right now that I'm hoping to get over soon. So then he gave me the blessing and I feel better today. I think the blessing was more of an opportunity for my dad and I to bond again than anything. We haven't been very close for awhile now. I used to be daddy's little girl... and then I sort of stopped trusting in him and in myself. I'm glad for the opportunity. My dad hates Kori, though. I didn't explain it like Kori was a bad man in all of this - because he just made the best decision that was available to him at the moment. He had weakness and so did I, and together we were not good for each other.

I wish I could go back 20 years and give myself the tools, tools that I still don't have, of having confidence in myself and the ability to take things in stride, not so personally. I got teased mercilessly in elementary school for being a chubby kid. I never thought it took a toll on me until now. I got into Jr. High, lost the weight, and had LOTS of friends. But see, I had this attitude of "I'm going to make tons of friends this year, no matter what." That attitude DID get me tons of friends. And lots of boys liked me. But I got back into high school and gained the weight back. And though I still had many friends and didn't get teased any more, no boys liked me. Just thought it was my lot in life. Now I'm realizing it's all about attitude.

I think the reason I'm feeling like this right now is because I've been praying for the Lord to show me who He wants me to be, not who I want me to be. And in order to do that I have to be humbled. Ether 12:27 says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." It's an amazingly powerful promise. And I have experienced it before. I feel bad that I've been "compelled to be humble," but the Lord works in ways we don't understand. I think he's humbling me so that I can be in a place where it can eventually become a strength. I have faith in that promise. Right now my self-confidence is so low, but I know that it can become a great strength, and I know that I can help others when I get there. My weight was a source of humility for me before, but after having faith that He could give me the strength to lose it, I was able to lose it. And it has become a great strength for me - one that I've been able to use to help others. I am within 10 or so pounds of being like a size 6 right now. I am in size 8 jeans today! Yeah, they're tight, but that's because of the swelling. I know that I can definitely be a source of strength and information for others who are on this road to weight loss.

It's late and I'm tired, but I just wanted to quickly post about my experience with my dad yesterday. I hope this is the dawning of repairing a relationship that is long overdue.

Guess it's kinda rainin men again

WHY oh why does it rain men when I don't want it to and why is there a drought when I want the men? I swear, it's a freakin enigma. Bike shop boy asked me out for Wednesday, but Wednesday=Valentine's day and that just seems a little too committal for a first date for me, so we're leaving it at Thursday night after Institute. I'm a little relieved. He's cute and all, but a little to eccentric for me. His goal in life is to be a game show host. I'm not kidding. He's going into communications up at the University so he can live those dreams. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

And then there's doctor boy: My mom's boss's cute doctor-intern son. He's apparently 29 and not married because he's been focused on med school. I'm hoping he'll be a nice fella. His dad is nice so I'm assuming he is, too.

I guess that's it for the men department right now. I suppose Felix will call for his 2nd date like he said he would, but it definitely won't go anywhere with him. He was nice enough to go on a 2nd date with, and I'll give people a chance if they're at least nice, but no sparks with him.

Anyhow, like I said before, I want to have time right now to focus on fixing myself on the inside. It's obvious to me at this point that I have some issues that have been latent for awhile and theyr'e now coming out. I've always been the happy fat girl. Now that the layers that were hiding me have gone, the issues I had before, issues that probably made me fat in the first place, are surfacing. They are things like lack of self-worth and attractiveness, and feeling like my personality just isn't good enough. Let's be honest: The fact that I've recently been rejected by 2 men (Kori was one, who rejected me in the worst possible way after I broke up with him, and Tony who hasn't called back after we talked straight for a month and went out again last Wednesday). Problem is that I don't know what my problem is exactly, so how do I fix it?

My friend introduced me to Neuro Linguistic Programming. She thinks that, with the power of prayer and serious scripture study, might just help. I tend to agree. We'll see how it goes.

Date with Fed Ex

Okay, so his name wasn't Fed Ex, but it sounds like that when you pronounce it. It's "Felex". He was nice. I wasn't really attracted to him, but he asked me out again at the end of the date and I said okay. I'm REALLY, REALLY trying to not be superficial about everything. I mean, 5 months ago I would have jumped at the chance to go out with him. That Kori really did a number on my head. I don't want to blame this on him, but being told that another woman is "very attractive" and that he "compares every woman to her" does a number on a girl when a man told her that he loved her unconditionally. I don't know. It's like I'm doing the same thing to other men that he did to me. Only the really good looking ones only seem to go out with me once and that's it. The ones who I'm not so attracted to act like they're friggin in love. I suppose if we liked each other equally that would usually end up in a relationship. And those don't come so easily for me.

Seems like only men who I am not attracted to ask me out in person. All the others are either blind dates or were online hookups (though I've since canceled that account) - all they saw were pics (not even great ones) and talked to me on the phone. Am I SO different in person that they'd be crazy about me over the phone but not in person? Perhaps it's something I'm doing... or not doing... or my nonverbal cues??? Who the heck knows. I suppose Kori liked me in person, but in the end he didn't seem to. I hate and love the man. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to send him a pic of me in the swimming suit with the caption "ya lost it, sukka!" He was bothered by my excess skin when we were "together." But I can't do that. I need to forgive him and move on. I have my moving on days and I have my "i want him back" days. I'm not sure I'm moving on very well. It has been over 6 weeks at this point... I mean, I can get over Tony in about a week, I think. He was great, I'll miss our conversations, I'll miss his chiseled features and his beautiful, beautiful face and hard rock abs and... ahem. Okay, well suffice it to say that I'll miss Tony, but because I never loved him, I can get over him pretty quickly. He had given me hope that there were other good men out there that I could be attracted to. But now that he's gone, that faith is dwindling, and I hate to type that, but I just did. Damn. I just feel so confused right now about what I should do and focus on.

Let us focus on the bright side of tomorrow, however, for a moment: I get to take the sacrament again on Sunday! I want to make it special. I'm so grateful to be able to do this again. It means my sins can be washed clean again. I really hope the Lord has forgiven me for what I've done.

Oh me of little faith

So I went out with Tony again tonight. I tried to put Tony into the 'friend' zone the other day, but tonight I took him back out of the friend zone. He's just too charming in so many ways. I thought before that he didn't 'get' me, which is so important to me, despite whatevery they look like, but I realized last night that he does. He's very kind and understanding, albeit incredibly competitive. It just took at little time to see it. We had fun. We just watched Zoolander in his room and then talked forever. He's so incredibly good looking and athletic. I fall for the type. But he's also very sweet. He checked up on me every day while I was at home for my lower body lift, bought me ice cream when I cried to him over Kori (yeah, I was having a rough day and he offered to be my 'counselor'). I guess I was too wrapped up in Kori and getting over him to see that Tony is an amazing person. He definitely has his past like I do, but NO addictions and he's so faithful now. He was a perfect gentleman tonight. He is 27 and has a lot going for him. Never been married (which my mom loves). And my grandma absolutely loves him, which is a good sign ;)

Anyhow, I do hope he calls me again. We talk nearly every day anyway. But tonight was less 'friend-zone-like' and more date-like (because of the movie cuddling, but NO KISSING). That moves things into different territory. But I'm going to wait for him to call me. If he doesn't, I won't freak out. It was another experience in trusting that the Lord will open your eyes if you have trust in Him. I can see light at the end of this heartbreak tunnel, even if it doesn't work out with Tony. Heck, I got asked out today by the guy at the Bike Shoppe who looks like Cillian Murphy LOL. I said 'sure', a little hestiantly. Don't know why I hestitated. He's a nice guy and he was cute. He sold me bike clips and the shoes to match. At the register he asked me why I was doing the triathlon in Edmonton and I said, "Well, because I had a boyfriend up there and I wanted to do it anyway before I met him," and then he was like "had?..." From then on I could tell he was moving into that whole 'ask her out' territory. He was funny - at the end of the purchase he goes, "well heck, I'll go out on a limb and ask you out. You seem like a lot of fun. Do you wanna go out this Friday?" I sort of laughed because I have a date with my cousin's brohter-in-law this Friday, who is also really athletic, good lookin, and has repented of some past transgressions and is SO strong in the Gospel now. But he's very quiet. We'll see if he opens up. Then last Sunday another guy at church was acting like he wanted to ask me out. He didn't. I think he's shy. But I'll give it a little time. He's a VERY, VERY cute guy with black hair and crystal blue eyes, and he gets my sarcasm. We'll see how this all goes. I'm going to stop telling people my age and see what happens. But I can't believe this flood of men coming out of the woodwork sort of randomly. Joey (my Itallian stallion) hasn't called since our last date. But that's okay. No sparks with him anyway.

Anyhow, I know the Lord answers our prayers. I have not been bearing this trial with much patience, and I need to. But He is blessing me anyway and I don't know why. I feel like such an ungrateful daughter of Him who only wants the best for me. I pray daily to desire His will, because right now I just seem to want Georgia's will.