Trying to mend

Boy, this breakup has been the most difficult thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. I loved him - and despite all the negative things about him, that feeling just doesn't go away immediately. It keeps me hanging on, somewhat. We are TOTALLY not talking to each other, though. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. I mean, we used to talk all day, so it's been hard to go cold turkey.

In the meantime, everyone's telling me to date. So I have. I've gone out with about 4 guys since the breakup last month and all have been dates from Hell. I'm sure because all I can think about is Kori. I hate that. But there is one guy that is a real sweetheart and he's so cute. I have to admit, I didn't connect with him immediately like I did with Kori, but the more I get to know him, the more I like him. He's respecting my decision to not date heavily until I can take the sacrament again.

I went and saw a counselor yesterday about this hopeless business. I can feel myself spiraling into a depression and I don't want to go there. I've never been there and never plan on it. I just have this incredible feeling of loss and hopelessness and longing. Ultimately, I was told in certain words that I wasn't as attractive as his ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure what else he didn't like about me, but I really didn't want to know how I didn't "compare", especially when I couldn't be myself up there, anyway. He didn't end up going back to her, but I still told him not to call me again. He has respected my wishes. But I still don't know if I could ever trust him if I was with him again. PLUS, he did coerce me in a big way the first night I was visiting him. The counselor told me I was date raped. That thought shocked the hell out of me. I'm not certain that's the case, but I do know that I wouldn't have done anything if he hadn't pushed, pushed, pushed for it all day long. After awhile, you just get sick of saying no. So now I'm left with this immense feeling of guilt for what we did over the weekend, a broken heart, and a slap in the face because I wasn't 'pretty enough' (despite the fact that he like me for 'me'). This leaves a girl with a few issues to deal with in the meantime. But I'm dealing... really... and I know that I'll be okay with the help of my awesome friends and church leaders. I'm so grateful for all of them.