"Consider on the blessed and happy state..." and... uh... Prada

This morning I woke up a little bit sad, as I usually do these days. But less and less sad than the day before... Still feeling the heartbreak of being in love with a man who may not love me back any more, and if he does, we still can't be together. It's a hopeless feeling that means nothing. It does no good. It's the kind of baggage that you need to leave in your hotel room when the fire alarm goes off, the halls are full of smoke, and you're on the 44th floor. Except it's a Prada bag... and you really, really liked the bag when you bought it. When I bought the bag I talked it up as if it was the best bag in the world, even deluded myself into thinking that surely it was destiny that I have a bag that fit my personality and sense of fashion SO WELL. Never before had I found a bag that I liked as much, or had the money to buy such a bag. When I first bought the bag I even had thoughts that the bag was TOO fashionable for me, perhaps. OF COURSE the bag can be replaced from the consuming flames. But what if you never find a bag that you like quite as much as that one? But for HEAVEN'S SAKE! The friggin fire alarm is going off. If I try to take that bag with me down 44 flights of stairs I'm going to need shoulder and back surgery later. Sure there's also that chance I could be consumed in the fiery flames. But hey, I'll look back in the eternities and say "Remember that one time I was burned alive? That really sucked. " And then I'll remember that I didn't get to even take the Prada bag with me in the first place. Any way you look at it, it's NOT WORTH THE BAGGAGE! It was probably a knockoff in the first place because it was so cheap. See how I brought it back? Y'all thought I went off on a crazy tangent that could never be recovered. It was a close one.

And so I consider a scripture that has been going through my head for the past two days: "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I feel like this scripture has a few things in it that I need to think on: First, the word faithful, to me, has taken on a new meaning. For weeks I've had the thought "Georgia, you screwed things up for yourself and you'll never have that kind of love again. The promise of having a companion who loves you, and who you love, is gone. Perhaps you can find someone again that likes you and wants to marry you, but you won't be attracted to them or they won't understand you the way Kori did. You'll have to settle..." This thought permeated through my brain like a virus, infecting every thought and every feeling; causing a terrible pit in the bottom of my stomach.

Blessings are contingent upon our faithfulness. What does that mean? Well, the Lord KNOWS we will sin. We are imperfect beings. His grace is sufficient for us to not have to compare ourselves to others. What we CAN do, is, as it says in D&C 50 "...and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." What it DOESN'T say is "you should already have the freakin light and it should already be as good as Sally Farfegnugen down the street to receive any of those blessings." Which is, essentially, what I was telling myself. Because of my sin and my naivety, it doesn't mean I've turned my back on the Lord. If anything, I am drawing nearer and nearer to the Spirit and receiving clear answers to prayers. I am GRATEFUL for this crazy, crazy, heartwrenching experience, without which I was in a state of spiritual limbo, which, essentially, just means I'm going down without knowing it. Faithfulness, is contingent, CONTINGENT, I SAY, upon repentance. And repentance is contingent upon sin. I didn't ruin my chances. I am drawing nearer to them with repentance.

The second thing I think of with that scripture is the phrase "the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God." What hope that gives... to KNOW that we can be HAPPY if we do the Lord's will. A few weeks ago I was not at this place. I had to pray to even desire the Lord's will. But I'm finding that the more I desire His will, the happier I am and the more clarity I get. Yeah, I still don't know where I'm going to live, the job I'll have, the ward I should belong to, or who I'm going to marry in the next few months (not that I'll marry someone in the next few months), but I do have faith that those answers will come and I will be happy if I follow the commandments. And I'll slip up. I know I will. But if I continually repent I will receive more light and it will grow brighter and brighter.

The third thing is the word 'remember'. This has been another word resonating in my head for the past 2 weeks. I'm still not certain what it means, but I believe it means several things. For one, I need to remember how difficult it is to repent of what I did the next time I'm with a man. Also, I believe that it means I need to remember the inspiration that I'm receiving. The blessing I had a month ago I can barely remember. Perhaps I would have if I'd kept a journal. That leaves us right where I am... voyeurism in its finest form: The Internet.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for these answers. I know these answers come from God. As for right now, I just have to have faith that I'll find another bag that I like a lot. I may even like it more, but in a different way, because nothing will ever replace the first bag that you loved (except the same bag), but perhaps I can find it in my heart to give another bag a chance. Usually that kind of bag takes a little bit of time to find and you find it when you least expect it. You just have to keep your eyes open to the possibility of another perfect bag being out there!