Date with Fed Ex

Okay, so his name wasn't Fed Ex, but it sounds like that when you pronounce it. It's "Felex". He was nice. I wasn't really attracted to him, but he asked me out again at the end of the date and I said okay. I'm REALLY, REALLY trying to not be superficial about everything. I mean, 5 months ago I would have jumped at the chance to go out with him. That Kori really did a number on my head. I don't want to blame this on him, but being told that another woman is "very attractive" and that he "compares every woman to her" does a number on a girl when a man told her that he loved her unconditionally. I don't know. It's like I'm doing the same thing to other men that he did to me. Only the really good looking ones only seem to go out with me once and that's it. The ones who I'm not so attracted to act like they're friggin in love. I suppose if we liked each other equally that would usually end up in a relationship. And those don't come so easily for me.

Seems like only men who I am not attracted to ask me out in person. All the others are either blind dates or were online hookups (though I've since canceled that account) - all they saw were pics (not even great ones) and talked to me on the phone. Am I SO different in person that they'd be crazy about me over the phone but not in person? Perhaps it's something I'm doing... or not doing... or my nonverbal cues??? Who the heck knows. I suppose Kori liked me in person, but in the end he didn't seem to. I hate and love the man. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to send him a pic of me in the swimming suit with the caption "ya lost it, sukka!" He was bothered by my excess skin when we were "together." But I can't do that. I need to forgive him and move on. I have my moving on days and I have my "i want him back" days. I'm not sure I'm moving on very well. It has been over 6 weeks at this point... I mean, I can get over Tony in about a week, I think. He was great, I'll miss our conversations, I'll miss his chiseled features and his beautiful, beautiful face and hard rock abs and... ahem. Okay, well suffice it to say that I'll miss Tony, but because I never loved him, I can get over him pretty quickly. He had given me hope that there were other good men out there that I could be attracted to. But now that he's gone, that faith is dwindling, and I hate to type that, but I just did. Damn. I just feel so confused right now about what I should do and focus on.

Let us focus on the bright side of tomorrow, however, for a moment: I get to take the sacrament again on Sunday! I want to make it special. I'm so grateful to be able to do this again. It means my sins can be washed clean again. I really hope the Lord has forgiven me for what I've done.