My dad
Yesterday was kind of a big day for me. I got to take the Sacrament again finally. It was a good feeling and I cried the entire time. But see, after that I don't know what was up with me. I just felt SO depressed and hopeless that I went and took a 3-hour nap after church. Naps aren't like me. And then I went to my parents' house for dinner. After talking for awhile with them I finally came out with it, "Dad, I think I need a blessing." He asked me what for and I said, "I just have been feeling very hopeless and sad all the time." My mom thought I wanted it because I was crying about Tony. No, I'm not going to cry over Tony of all people. This is still the stupid Kori issue.
So my dad puts on his suit & tie and takes me into a room to give me the blessing. See, I've been avoiding asking my dad for any blessings because he just didn't know what happened up in Canada and I didn't want to tell him. So when he shut the door I just started to bawl and said, "Dad, there's something you should know first, but you can't judge me, okay?" And then I proceeded to tell him what happened. Yep. I still can't believe I told him. But his response wasn't expected. He just hugged me and said, "Everyone makes mistakes, hun. I'm the last person in the world who would judge you for that. I love you. And I think the Lord has forgiven you, you just haven't forgiven yourself. Maybe you'd be able to let him go if you could forgive yourself." I just stood there and bawled like a baby for 10 minutes. I couldn't stop. It just hurt so much - the pain of being so used by a man, of feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone that I would like, of wondering whether the true happiness of having my own family will ever happen for me, of still loving someone who doesn't love me back... all of it. I cried over all the damn issues I have right now that I'm hoping to get over soon. So then he gave me the blessing and I feel better today. I think the blessing was more of an opportunity for my dad and I to bond again than anything. We haven't been very close for awhile now. I used to be daddy's little girl... and then I sort of stopped trusting in him and in myself. I'm glad for the opportunity. My dad hates Kori, though. I didn't explain it like Kori was a bad man in all of this - because he just made the best decision that was available to him at the moment. He had weakness and so did I, and together we were not good for each other.
I wish I could go back 20 years and give myself the tools, tools that I still don't have, of having confidence in myself and the ability to take things in stride, not so personally. I got teased mercilessly in elementary school for being a chubby kid. I never thought it took a toll on me until now. I got into Jr. High, lost the weight, and had LOTS of friends. But see, I had this attitude of "I'm going to make tons of friends this year, no matter what." That attitude DID get me tons of friends. And lots of boys liked me. But I got back into high school and gained the weight back. And though I still had many friends and didn't get teased any more, no boys liked me. Just thought it was my lot in life. Now I'm realizing it's all about attitude.
I think the reason I'm feeling like this right now is because I've been praying for the Lord to show me who He wants me to be, not who I want me to be. And in order to do that I have to be humbled. Ether 12:27 says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." It's an amazingly powerful promise. And I have experienced it before. I feel bad that I've been "compelled to be humble," but the Lord works in ways we don't understand. I think he's humbling me so that I can be in a place where it can eventually become a strength. I have faith in that promise. Right now my self-confidence is so low, but I know that it can become a great strength, and I know that I can help others when I get there. My weight was a source of humility for me before, but after having faith that He could give me the strength to lose it, I was able to lose it. And it has become a great strength for me - one that I've been able to use to help others. I am within 10 or so pounds of being like a size 6 right now. I am in size 8 jeans today! Yeah, they're tight, but that's because of the swelling. I know that I can definitely be a source of strength and information for others who are on this road to weight loss.
It's late and I'm tired, but I just wanted to quickly post about my experience with my dad yesterday. I hope this is the dawning of repairing a relationship that is long overdue.
So my dad puts on his suit & tie and takes me into a room to give me the blessing. See, I've been avoiding asking my dad for any blessings because he just didn't know what happened up in Canada and I didn't want to tell him. So when he shut the door I just started to bawl and said, "Dad, there's something you should know first, but you can't judge me, okay?" And then I proceeded to tell him what happened. Yep. I still can't believe I told him. But his response wasn't expected. He just hugged me and said, "Everyone makes mistakes, hun. I'm the last person in the world who would judge you for that. I love you. And I think the Lord has forgiven you, you just haven't forgiven yourself. Maybe you'd be able to let him go if you could forgive yourself." I just stood there and bawled like a baby for 10 minutes. I couldn't stop. It just hurt so much - the pain of being so used by a man, of feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone that I would like, of wondering whether the true happiness of having my own family will ever happen for me, of still loving someone who doesn't love me back... all of it. I cried over all the damn issues I have right now that I'm hoping to get over soon. So then he gave me the blessing and I feel better today. I think the blessing was more of an opportunity for my dad and I to bond again than anything. We haven't been very close for awhile now. I used to be daddy's little girl... and then I sort of stopped trusting in him and in myself. I'm glad for the opportunity. My dad hates Kori, though. I didn't explain it like Kori was a bad man in all of this - because he just made the best decision that was available to him at the moment. He had weakness and so did I, and together we were not good for each other.
I wish I could go back 20 years and give myself the tools, tools that I still don't have, of having confidence in myself and the ability to take things in stride, not so personally. I got teased mercilessly in elementary school for being a chubby kid. I never thought it took a toll on me until now. I got into Jr. High, lost the weight, and had LOTS of friends. But see, I had this attitude of "I'm going to make tons of friends this year, no matter what." That attitude DID get me tons of friends. And lots of boys liked me. But I got back into high school and gained the weight back. And though I still had many friends and didn't get teased any more, no boys liked me. Just thought it was my lot in life. Now I'm realizing it's all about attitude.
I think the reason I'm feeling like this right now is because I've been praying for the Lord to show me who He wants me to be, not who I want me to be. And in order to do that I have to be humbled. Ether 12:27 says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." It's an amazingly powerful promise. And I have experienced it before. I feel bad that I've been "compelled to be humble," but the Lord works in ways we don't understand. I think he's humbling me so that I can be in a place where it can eventually become a strength. I have faith in that promise. Right now my self-confidence is so low, but I know that it can become a great strength, and I know that I can help others when I get there. My weight was a source of humility for me before, but after having faith that He could give me the strength to lose it, I was able to lose it. And it has become a great strength for me - one that I've been able to use to help others. I am within 10 or so pounds of being like a size 6 right now. I am in size 8 jeans today! Yeah, they're tight, but that's because of the swelling. I know that I can definitely be a source of strength and information for others who are on this road to weight loss.
It's late and I'm tired, but I just wanted to quickly post about my experience with my dad yesterday. I hope this is the dawning of repairing a relationship that is long overdue.
posted by Georgie Porgie @ 10:42 PM
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