Temporary Relapse
WHAT IS IT ABOUT TODAY??? I feel like an excommunicated woman, confused from every angle. I started the day off well, feeling a little hope and a little happiness. Most of the day this continued. I left for my tummy-tuck post-op appointment (I walked there) and got a little sadder as I walked, then began to think about Kori, then began to wonder if I'd ever love another man again, and before you know it, I was right back at where I was 2 weeks ago. Crap.
I had my family and Eric over tonight to help me make Valentine's day cookies. Eric was so cute with cutting out the cookies and frosting them and decorating them. He just couldn't wait to tell his mom about it. Eric is 28, but he's mentally handicapped, and ALWAYS happy. He's a joy to be around, truly. So it was lots of fun making cookies with him and my family. After I dropped Eric back off at his house I went home and then Loch (a guy I met several weeks ago) called. We talked for about 3 1/2 hours. Of course, he's got sex on the brain and he's really going in that direction on the phone. He doesn't know that's my weakness. So I sort of gave in and sort of restrained. He kept trying to talk dirty and I'd be like "it's okay, you don't have to go into detail." But I wasn't as good as I should have been. I feel guilty again. I feel like I haven't made any freakin progress now. I thought I was strong now, just like I thought I was strong when I went to go visit Kori, but I'm not. I'm so weak. It really makes me think I shouldn't date for a little while. But I swear, the more I say that the more the men come out of the woodwork. And it just depresses me, because none of them match up to Kori or I AM interested in them and they lose interest in me (like Tony).
I sound like such a prude complaining about these things. I should be grateful for these dates. Six months ago I would've been grateful for ANY date. Now I'm complaining about the date I am going on this Thursday with Dee from the Bike Shoppe, and the date I'm going on with Felix, the brother-in-law, this Saturday, and the date I'm going on next Tuesday with Loch, the engineer man-boy. Actually, I'm fairly excited about my date with Loch, but still a little apprehensive based on our conversation tonight. I have a feeling he's just going to try to make out with me. And I'm excited about the date with Scottie, the med student, but he's a hard one to commit for a date because of his loco schedule. So in all, I think I have a lot to be grateful for. But a lot I obviously have to work on. I wonder how to get past this weakness. I pray and pray, but maybe it just comes down to saying 'no' and ending the conversation. I should have done that an hour ago.
I had my family and Eric over tonight to help me make Valentine's day cookies. Eric was so cute with cutting out the cookies and frosting them and decorating them. He just couldn't wait to tell his mom about it. Eric is 28, but he's mentally handicapped, and ALWAYS happy. He's a joy to be around, truly. So it was lots of fun making cookies with him and my family. After I dropped Eric back off at his house I went home and then Loch (a guy I met several weeks ago) called. We talked for about 3 1/2 hours. Of course, he's got sex on the brain and he's really going in that direction on the phone. He doesn't know that's my weakness. So I sort of gave in and sort of restrained. He kept trying to talk dirty and I'd be like "it's okay, you don't have to go into detail." But I wasn't as good as I should have been. I feel guilty again. I feel like I haven't made any freakin progress now. I thought I was strong now, just like I thought I was strong when I went to go visit Kori, but I'm not. I'm so weak. It really makes me think I shouldn't date for a little while. But I swear, the more I say that the more the men come out of the woodwork. And it just depresses me, because none of them match up to Kori or I AM interested in them and they lose interest in me (like Tony).
I sound like such a prude complaining about these things. I should be grateful for these dates. Six months ago I would've been grateful for ANY date. Now I'm complaining about the date I am going on this Thursday with Dee from the Bike Shoppe, and the date I'm going on with Felix, the brother-in-law, this Saturday, and the date I'm going on next Tuesday with Loch, the engineer man-boy. Actually, I'm fairly excited about my date with Loch, but still a little apprehensive based on our conversation tonight. I have a feeling he's just going to try to make out with me. And I'm excited about the date with Scottie, the med student, but he's a hard one to commit for a date because of his loco schedule. So in all, I think I have a lot to be grateful for. But a lot I obviously have to work on. I wonder how to get past this weakness. I pray and pray, but maybe it just comes down to saying 'no' and ending the conversation. I should have done that an hour ago.
posted by Georgie Porgie @ 12:57 AM
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