"Consider on the blessed and happy state..." and... uh... Prada

This morning I woke up a little bit sad, as I usually do these days. But less and less sad than the day before... Still feeling the heartbreak of being in love with a man who may not love me back any more, and if he does, we still can't be together. It's a hopeless feeling that means nothing. It does no good. It's the kind of baggage that you need to leave in your hotel room when the fire alarm goes off, the halls are full of smoke, and you're on the 44th floor. Except it's a Prada bag... and you really, really liked the bag when you bought it. When I bought the bag I talked it up as if it was the best bag in the world, even deluded myself into thinking that surely it was destiny that I have a bag that fit my personality and sense of fashion SO WELL. Never before had I found a bag that I liked as much, or had the money to buy such a bag. When I first bought the bag I even had thoughts that the bag was TOO fashionable for me, perhaps. OF COURSE the bag can be replaced from the consuming flames. But what if you never find a bag that you like quite as much as that one? But for HEAVEN'S SAKE! The friggin fire alarm is going off. If I try to take that bag with me down 44 flights of stairs I'm going to need shoulder and back surgery later. Sure there's also that chance I could be consumed in the fiery flames. But hey, I'll look back in the eternities and say "Remember that one time I was burned alive? That really sucked. " And then I'll remember that I didn't get to even take the Prada bag with me in the first place. Any way you look at it, it's NOT WORTH THE BAGGAGE! It was probably a knockoff in the first place because it was so cheap. See how I brought it back? Y'all thought I went off on a crazy tangent that could never be recovered. It was a close one.

And so I consider a scripture that has been going through my head for the past two days: "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I feel like this scripture has a few things in it that I need to think on: First, the word faithful, to me, has taken on a new meaning. For weeks I've had the thought "Georgia, you screwed things up for yourself and you'll never have that kind of love again. The promise of having a companion who loves you, and who you love, is gone. Perhaps you can find someone again that likes you and wants to marry you, but you won't be attracted to them or they won't understand you the way Kori did. You'll have to settle..." This thought permeated through my brain like a virus, infecting every thought and every feeling; causing a terrible pit in the bottom of my stomach.

Blessings are contingent upon our faithfulness. What does that mean? Well, the Lord KNOWS we will sin. We are imperfect beings. His grace is sufficient for us to not have to compare ourselves to others. What we CAN do, is, as it says in D&C 50 "...and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." What it DOESN'T say is "you should already have the freakin light and it should already be as good as Sally Farfegnugen down the street to receive any of those blessings." Which is, essentially, what I was telling myself. Because of my sin and my naivety, it doesn't mean I've turned my back on the Lord. If anything, I am drawing nearer and nearer to the Spirit and receiving clear answers to prayers. I am GRATEFUL for this crazy, crazy, heartwrenching experience, without which I was in a state of spiritual limbo, which, essentially, just means I'm going down without knowing it. Faithfulness, is contingent, CONTINGENT, I SAY, upon repentance. And repentance is contingent upon sin. I didn't ruin my chances. I am drawing nearer to them with repentance.

The second thing I think of with that scripture is the phrase "the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God." What hope that gives... to KNOW that we can be HAPPY if we do the Lord's will. A few weeks ago I was not at this place. I had to pray to even desire the Lord's will. But I'm finding that the more I desire His will, the happier I am and the more clarity I get. Yeah, I still don't know where I'm going to live, the job I'll have, the ward I should belong to, or who I'm going to marry in the next few months (not that I'll marry someone in the next few months), but I do have faith that those answers will come and I will be happy if I follow the commandments. And I'll slip up. I know I will. But if I continually repent I will receive more light and it will grow brighter and brighter.

The third thing is the word 'remember'. This has been another word resonating in my head for the past 2 weeks. I'm still not certain what it means, but I believe it means several things. For one, I need to remember how difficult it is to repent of what I did the next time I'm with a man. Also, I believe that it means I need to remember the inspiration that I'm receiving. The blessing I had a month ago I can barely remember. Perhaps I would have if I'd kept a journal. That leaves us right where I am... voyeurism in its finest form: The Internet.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for these answers. I know these answers come from God. As for right now, I just have to have faith that I'll find another bag that I like a lot. I may even like it more, but in a different way, because nothing will ever replace the first bag that you loved (except the same bag), but perhaps I can find it in my heart to give another bag a chance. Usually that kind of bag takes a little bit of time to find and you find it when you least expect it. You just have to keep your eyes open to the possibility of another perfect bag being out there!

I survived a lower body lift and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

Yes, I survived it! And to be honest with you, it hasn't been all that painful! I didn't have any pain meds the first day. When I woke up on the op table they asked me if I wanted the morphine drip. I just said, "Nah, morphine's for sissy's and people who like chick flicks." I don't know what comes over me when I'm still under anesthesia. I get ultra-sarcastic. I'm not sure what else I said on the table, but I do know when I came in for my post-op appointment yesterday they all came to greet me to tell me how 'freaking funny' I was. I have 7 new friends, now. I should have plastic surgery more often. Hey, maybe Brzowski will give me a "funny" discount on my boob job in March.

So anyhow, I have the stomach/butt/thighs of a teenager now. Bring it on, fellas! Actually, I have 2 new men in my life now - both are sexy as hell. The italian stallion's pretty funny, too, while Tony's so sweet and doting and smart. I'm giving things "time" to connect... Anyhow, on with the lower body lift!

So I spent one night in a recovery center. That was pretty fun because they left this CNA to be with me all night. She was a good time. She's got this crazy boyfriend who dared her to get a tattoo on her upper butt. It was cute. I think he's a bad influence on her, but you only live once, eh? We're tight now. So at this point I pretty much had zero stomach muscle control, but I do have arms of STEEL, I tell you. So I was pulling myself up and down. The doc was like "she's a rockstar!" I love it when people use phrases that I thought I made up.

The last few days have been pretty good. My AWESOME mother, brother, father, grandmother, and others have been taking care of me round the clock. Right now, I believe, is the first time I've been alone since last Friday. I'm gettin around - albeit like the hunchback of notre dame. But I did my hair and makeup today. I'd be damned if I was going to walk into that doctor's office looking like last week again! They were like, "you look so cute!" They were trying to make me feel better since I had tubes coming out of me in strange places. I think they'll get removed tomorrow. Yeeee haaaaaw!

Anyhow, for those of you who can stomach the before/after stomach pictures, I'll be posting them up as soon as I can stand up straight - hopefully within 2 weeks. I'm expecting COMPLIMENTS, I tell you! Only kidding, I did this for ME. The doc was concerned I was doing it to get Kori back (he knows the story), but I assured him I was planning on this WAY before I met Kori.

And for all of you who read this blog who have sent flowers and well-wishes and visited me... BIG HUGS AND THANK YOU!!! I love you all!

Obla-Di Obla-Da Life Goes On

I'm going to divert a little from the ugly topic of conversation that seems to consume my every thought these days. The diversion? I'm getting a lower body lift on Friday, January 12!

Oh yeah! I will be posting the big, bad, and ugly pics from the before & after along this journey to look like a supermodel. Oops, did I type that out loud? Well I'm shallow these days, get over it. The lower body lift consists of cutting me in half, removing a third of my halves, and then reattaching my stumps together. Okay, it's not that bad - but it will still look like I've been cut in half. I'll just tell peopel who see the scar that it's a battle wound from WWIII.

In reality, the doctor makes an incision very low, pulls my stomach skin down and up a tad from the bottom, removes the extra fat and skin, then sews you back up. He's doing the same thing in the back. My butt's going to be amazing, yo. And then your thighs are tight too. So what do I get out of this deal? The stomach, butt, and thighs of a teenager are what I get. I get to be bikini ready by March of 2007. Yeah, the scar is very low profile, so a bikini bottom would hide it.

Ok, back to the ugly topic of conversation. The jaded Georgia wants to take pics of myself in a bikini and then send them to Kori and say "look what you lost, Sukka!" But the Georgia who still loves him wants him to move on, heal, and be happy. Today jaded Georgia's winning. In the end, though, I'm glad I found out these things now instead of later. Now I actually have a chance of healing and possibly regaining hope for the future. He lost a good girl and he can't ever have me again. I did compromise my standards with him, but would NEVER have if he hadn't pushed it. And I never had the chance to be myself in person with him. I was this total dork around him. I need time with someone. That's the other thing I'm kicking myself for. We connected so much that my fear is never finding that again. I've been able to be good for SO LONG before him... but I know I can repent and go on to find a worthy man. He will be happy and so will I because we'll love and serve each other equally. And for heaven's sake, he will not have a sexual addiction!

Trying to mend

Boy, this breakup has been the most difficult thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. I loved him - and despite all the negative things about him, that feeling just doesn't go away immediately. It keeps me hanging on, somewhat. We are TOTALLY not talking to each other, though. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. I mean, we used to talk all day, so it's been hard to go cold turkey.

In the meantime, everyone's telling me to date. So I have. I've gone out with about 4 guys since the breakup last month and all have been dates from Hell. I'm sure because all I can think about is Kori. I hate that. But there is one guy that is a real sweetheart and he's so cute. I have to admit, I didn't connect with him immediately like I did with Kori, but the more I get to know him, the more I like him. He's respecting my decision to not date heavily until I can take the sacrament again.

I went and saw a counselor yesterday about this hopeless business. I can feel myself spiraling into a depression and I don't want to go there. I've never been there and never plan on it. I just have this incredible feeling of loss and hopelessness and longing. Ultimately, I was told in certain words that I wasn't as attractive as his ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure what else he didn't like about me, but I really didn't want to know how I didn't "compare", especially when I couldn't be myself up there, anyway. He didn't end up going back to her, but I still told him not to call me again. He has respected my wishes. But I still don't know if I could ever trust him if I was with him again. PLUS, he did coerce me in a big way the first night I was visiting him. The counselor told me I was date raped. That thought shocked the hell out of me. I'm not certain that's the case, but I do know that I wouldn't have done anything if he hadn't pushed, pushed, pushed for it all day long. After awhile, you just get sick of saying no. So now I'm left with this immense feeling of guilt for what we did over the weekend, a broken heart, and a slap in the face because I wasn't 'pretty enough' (despite the fact that he like me for 'me'). This leaves a girl with a few issues to deal with in the meantime. But I'm dealing... really... and I know that I'll be okay with the help of my awesome friends and church leaders. I'm so grateful for all of them.