I hate men

I don't know how I'm going to ever trust men again. After all I experienced with Kori, I'm pretty sure I was just his bootie call. The man is a loose cannon. Why did I not see this coming? All my friends saw it coming. They all knew he was bad for me. I didn't see it. I just thought they didn't know him like I knew him.

Let me backtrack. Yes, I'm back from Canada. Yeah, I had a good time. Too good a time. But today he calls me and tells me he's going to get back with the woman he had the affair with because "it's too hard. I can't be good anymore. I've tried for 9 months to be good and I'm the same person I was then." This is probably true. But I told him he'd be throwing his life away if he did that. He can't just go start up another affair because he's had a crappy day today. Of course, he broke my heart, the dirty bastard. He broke it in the worst way a man can break it. As a child of God, I want the best for him. I want him to make good decisions in life and I want him to find a good girl and get married. But as someone who killed me emotionally and played a part in killing me spiritually, I want him to die! I hate his freakin guts. My cousin Andrea said "I know a guy if you need him taken care of. " LOL. I wish. But I still have very mixed feelings at this point. I still miss him and want to be with him. At the same time, he's not worthy of me. I deserve so much better than him.

I keep thinking I'll never find a man that I liked as much as Kori. But in reality, I know another man is out there for me. I can get along with anyone. I just want someone fun! I don't even care if they're cute any more. I've done cute, I'm done with cute. Cute equals jerk or playa. I wasn't even ALL that attracted to Kori when he first contacted me (and he said the same). It was his personality that made him so beautiful to me. But I didn't care what he looked like in the end. I loved him for him. But at this point I want nice, I want fun, I want spontaneous, I want righteous. He's out there. Dear Lord, please help me to find him because I'm about to rip my hair out with this one!

Off to Canada with my man

I'm a goin to Canada to see my man Kori on the 15th. We're going to spend the weekend together and then I'll fly back on Monday. I'm so friggin excited I can hardly stand it. Maybe because I haven't had any NCMO action for awhile and I know he'll give it to me. Oops, hi mom. You're probably reading this blog.

Speaking of mothers, mine worries about him. Well, she worries about the whole situation. I met him on the Internet, we moved REALLY, really fast, we started talking about marriage really fast, though it's not really serious. I think we just dream sometimes, but I hope he's sincere. You can't play with a girl's heart like that. My mom just doesn't want her daughter marrying someone and then moving to no-mans-land Canada. She's worried for me. But I have to remind her that we're not engaged... just dating.

My sis is pretty much engaged at this point, though, and THAT was fast, too. She might be married in 6 months or so. So we have to prepare to sell this house. I'm taking the equity and running with it, baby. I'm paying of the plastic surgery & band loans, then with rest I'll probably invest it. If I don't marry Kori I'll probably buy my own townhouse or something. If I DID marry Kori, I'd have an extra $30,000 from my retirement account to contribute, too. I guess that makes my net worth about $65,000, not including the other possessions. Yahoo!

What? You want a weight loss update?

Yeah, I know this is a weight loss blog and I've only been blogging about men, silly, silly men. But times they are a changin today. I'm about to floor you with a weight loss update.

So this morning's scale said 185.5 pounds. I am but a half pound away from what I thought would be my end all, be all weight loss goal. I modified this as I think I still want to lose another 25.5 pounds. I am a size 14, but I can squeeze into a 12. Un-freaking-believable.

February is the magic month now. I will lose the 25.5 pounds by mid-February. That's roughly 2.5 pounds a week. I can do it. I think by the time I'm done with that I'll be about a size 10. THEN, come mid-feb, I'm getting a pannieculotomy. That's a tummy-tuck without the muscle repair (because I'm planning on having kids still), some lipo around the waist, and a boob job. I hope that takes me down to a size 8. Good times gonna come. Even if I continue to lose after that, it will be okay if I lose within about 15 pounds or so. But for my height, that's stretching it. After the tummy tuck my weight will decrease around 10-12 pounds (says the doc), taking me to 150 pounds. At 5'8", I shouldn't go much lower than that. But I know my own addictive personality, and I know I probably will. So I'll make a promise to myself right now not to go below 135 pounds. At 135, I'd probably be a size 4 or 6, and that's simply too small for how I look. I have curves, and look good with them. I need to keep them.

I'm missing this whole damn season

I usually love Christmas and really get into it. But this year... this year it's all passing me by. I'm happily waving to it as it passes, too. Not that I don't love Christmas, it's just that I'm not doing much any more but spend time talking with my man. He's just amazing and I'm happy to be missing everything, but I wonder that I'll regret it later.

Is it a good idea to guard your heart in matters of love? I have this incredible fear that he's going to break my heart because I've given it away. I never give it away. I warned him that I'd start to pull away (because I always do), but he reeled me back in. My rubber band snapped back into place, and he's the first man in the world to do that. Plus, he's just so damn sexy.